Status: Forever Alone

“Miss, are you okay?” Boses iyon ng isang lalaki.

Kung ganoon ay hindi ko pala solo ang beach sa mga oras na iyon at may nakarinig ng paglalabas ko ng sama ng loob.

Binalingan ko ang lalaking lumapit sa gilid ko. Holding my wine bottle tightly, I squinted at him. Ang ayoko sa lahat ay iyong iniistorbo ako kapag nag-e-emo ako. Pero nang matitigan ko ang lalaki, na-recognize ko kaagad siya. Paanong hindi, ang guwapo kaya.

“Ohhh… You’re the annulment lawyer.”

Hindi siya sumali sa agawan ng bridal garter kanina. Baduy na baduy talaga siguro sa kasal.

He seemed a little surprised. “Yeah…” he drawled as he continued to stare at me. “I guess somebody has told you about me already.”

I continued to squint at him. “So it’s you… `Yong hirap na hirap akong mag-ayos ng kasal nila, `tapos ina-null and void mo lang!”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “I’m sorry, who are you talking about?”

“The married couples, sino pa ba? Don’t you know how hard it is to plan and organize a wedding? The themes, the motifs, the songs, the food, the cake, the wedding gown, the invitations, the entourage, the venue, the guest lists, et cetera, et cetera… I arrange everything! After all my hard work, paghihiwalayin mo lang sila sa huli. Shame on you!”

Imbes na ma-guilty, parang gusto pang mangiti ng lalaki. “I think you’re drunk.”

I twitched my lips. “You’re not even guilty about it, that you were ruining all my efforts.”

Tuluyan nang nangiti ang lalaki. “All right, I’m sorry. It’s not my fault, though. They only get my legal assistance. I don’t tell them to ruin their marriage.”

I snorted and gobbled down my wine bottle.

“I think you should go back to your room. You’re drunk, and you shouldn’t be here alone.”

Natigilan ako nang marinig ang sinabi niya. Sa lahat ng mga salitang binanggit niya, isang word lang ang nag-resonate sa akin.

“Alone?” I parroted it bitterly. Tumanaw ako sa dagat. Sa wakas ay may lumabas na uling luha sa akin. Tears immediately blurred my vision. “Oo na. I am alone. I will be alone for the rest of my life. Tanggap ko na, that I won’t be able to wear a wedding gown. I won’t be able to know what it feels like to walk down the aisle holding a beautiful bridal bouquet. I won’t experience exchanging vows with anybody. I won’t ever have a groom… A husband… I won’t even know how it feels to be loved in return. I will forever be alone. Alone…”

“Uhmm…” I heard him mumble. “But there is nothing wrong with being alone.”

Biglang nagsara ang tear ducts ko. Pinawi ko ng likod ng mga palad ang mga luha ko bago pa bumagsak ang mga iyon at pagkatapos ay bumaling uli sa kanya. He looked so sure of himself.

Right. This person chose to be alone. He must be genuinely happy being alone. Sana all.

“You hate marriage,” sabi ko. “So naturally, you find nothing wrong with being alone.”

Tumaas ang isang sulok ng mga labi niya. “You think I hate marriage because I’m an annulment lawyer?”

“Well, I love weddings, and that’s why I became a wedding planner.”

Tuluyan nang nangisi ang lalaki.

Naningkit uli ang mga mata ko. “Ano’ng inginingisi-ngisi mo? Do you find it funny that a wedding planner like me has been single as fuck since birth and will be alone forever?”

Bago pa siya makasagot ay dinugtungan ko na agad ang sinasabi ko.

“Tawang-tawa ka siguro kanina sa reception noong in-announce ng aunt of the bride na naturingang wedding planner ako pero NBSB ako at malapit na akong mawala sa kalendaryo pero single pa rin. Lalo na siguro no’ng may nag-donate sa akin ng bridal bouquet para lang ako na ang sumunod na mag-asawa.”

He looked all the more amused. “Why do you keep assuming things?”

Naalala ko ang hitsura ng guests kanina habang lahat ay nakatingin sa akin. May mga nagtataka, may mga na-shock, may mga naawa, mayroon sigurong mga nag-isip na bad breath ako kaya walang gustong pumatol sa akin at malamang ay mayroong gustong pagtawanan ako sa kahihiyang dinanas ko pero pinigilan lang.

Higit sa lahat ng oras, sa pagkakataong iyon ako naging awang-awa sa sarili ko.

“So, ano’ng reaksiyon mo kanina no’ng nangyari `yon?”

“I’m just surprised to know that you haven’t had a boyfriend.”

“Why?”

He took his time answering as he held my stare. “I think you know why. You’re pretty. You also look smart, confident, and talented. Imposibleng walang lalaking nagkainteres sa `yo.”

I snorted. Kung ang ibang tao na hindi naman ako kilala ay nagtataka, lalo na ako. Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit wala ni isa sa mga lalaking nagustuhan ko ang nakaisip na seryosohin ako at gawing girlfriend.

Uminom muna uli ako ng champagne bago sinabi ang nasa isip ko. “And I do not have bad breath, FYI.” Feeling ko, kailangan ko laging sabihin iyon.

Nangiti siya. Hindi siguro inaasahang sasabihin ko talaga ang detalyeng iyon. “I see.”

“Hindi rin ako ma-attitude. I do not have any behavioral issues. I’m also not boring. I also do not have the tendency to be clingy and demanding.” Bumuntong-hininga ako. “I guess I really have a love jinx.”

“A what?” kunot-noong tanong niya

“Malas ako sa pag-ibig. Maybe someone hexed me. `Must be one of those bitches in grade school whom I used to have cat fights with. O kaya dahil hindi ko ginagawa `yong sinasabi ng chain letters na natatanggap ko. Five years of bad luck, ten years of bad luck, twenty years of bad luck! They all added up! So by the time the curse wears off, tuyot na ako. Puro kulubot na.”

“Those guys you said you met before. What if sila talaga ang problema?”

So, narinig pala talaga niya ang drunken monologue ko kanina.

“Rather, your taste in guys, maybe?”

Mukhang curious siya sa tipo ng mga lalaking nagustuhan ko. “So you’re saying I probably have such a bad taste in men?”

“That’s one angle you need to look at. Maybe you always find yourself falling for the bad boy types, the emotionally unavailable types, players, commitment phobics, and the like. If you think you’re not the problem, maybe it’s them.”

Napatanga na lang ako sa lalaki. I did not know about that. Hindi naman sila bad boy-looking, hindi ko rin alam na player pala o commitment phobic. But, yes, maybe he’s right. Even though I was not aware of it, I must really have such a bad taste in men. Iyong isa nga sa kanila, men din pala ang gusto.

Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa dagat. “I don’t know why I seem to attract those kinds of guys. Malas nga rin ako sa mga lalaki.”

“I think, `yong mga lalaking `yon ang malas.”

Mabilis ang pagtalim ng mga mata ko. “Dahil nakilala nila ako?”

“Dahil hinayaan ka nilang makawala.”

From glaring at him, automatic na nag-”beautiful eyes” ang mga mata kong kumurap-kurap habang sinasalubong ang titig niya. Is he flirting with me? Pagkatapos niyang marinig ang mga pinagsasabi ko kanina at makita akong bare-faced at shenglot?

I must really be unlucky with men. Kasi ang daming puwedeng makakita sa akin doon nang gabing iyon pero siya pa talaga ang lumapit sa akin.

An annulment lawyer who hates weddings. He makes money by breaking married couples apart permanently. He is not likely to marry anyone. Baka pa-fling-fling lang o non-serious relationships.

But this man was so damn attractive. Noong nakita ko siya kanina, naramdaman ko ang pagdagsa ng dopamine sa utak ko. For a moment, he made me want to hope that I could still find love in this lifetime, even though I have decided to be alone forever. Pero nang sabihin ni Camille na isang annulment lawyer ang lalaki, na-realize ko kung gaano kalupit ang kapalaran.

Well, I said goodbye to love, but maybe not to occasional flirting. Especially now that I’m drunk. I have an excuse to be flirty.

Namumungay na ang mga mata ko dahil sa alcohol pero mas pinapungay ko pa. “Do you think so? If you were one of those men, hindi mo ba ako hahayaang makawala?”

Pinanood ko ang pagguhit ng ngiti sa kissable lips niya. God, I want to kiss those lips. I have never seen such enticing male lips until now. I have never seen a smile as sexy as that.

“I’d probably make you my girlfriend.”

Finally, after so many years, someone thought of considering making me his girlfriend. Kinilig ako, pero saglit lang. Bigla ko kasing naisip ang propesyon ng lalaking ito.

I sighed and looked at him sadly. “Right. Only a girlfriend. Because you won’t marry me. Because you’re an annulment lawyer and you hate weddings.”

“Akala ko ba, tanggap mo nang hindi mo na mararanasang maging bride?”

Oo nga pala, sinabi ko iyon kanina. “So, you’re saying, dapat hangarin ko na lang na magka-boyfriend, at least? What’s the use of entering a relationship when you do not have the intention of marrying in the future?”

Hindi na nakangiti ang lalaki pero bakas pa rin ang amusement sa mga mata niya. “You’re a hopeless romantic.”

“I am mere hopeless.”

“But you’re still young para sukuan na talaga ang paghahanap ng groom.”

“I’m turning thirty.”

“Still young.”

“Too old for an NBSB!”

“Who sets the age for such things?”

“Kung hindi man lang ako nagka-boyfriend sa dami ng nakilala kong lalaki, ibig sabihin, hindi talaga para sa akin ang pag-ibig.”

Ang akala ko ay kokontrahin niya ako pero hindi siya umimik.

“I get the message,” I continued after gobbling down my champagne. “Love is not for me. Isa ako sa mga taong hindi ipinanganak sa mundo para umibig.”

He exhaled. “Love is overrated. If love is so great, then why do we exist to help people end their marriages?”

Napaisip nga tuloy ako.

“If you get married tomorrow, what guarantees do you have that you won’t need a lawyer like me in the future?”

Napaluglog na lang uli ako ng alak.

“Love doesn’t promise anything, as well as marriage. It’s the people who expect too much from them. They expect love to last, marriage to work, only to be disappointed when it doesn’t.”

Those words hit me like a tidal wave. May point si Attorney.

“Right,” sang-ayon ko. “People are so stupid. They crave love as if it were all butterflies and rainbows, and it won’t likely cause them pain or sorrow at some point.” Tuluyan na akong humarap sa abugado. “Lods, bakit ngayon lang kita nakilala? If I’d known you earlier, baka hindi ako naging ganito ka-hopeless romantic.”

Ipinakita na naman niya sa akin ang kaakit-akit niyang ngiti. “It’s not too late, though. I can still impart to you more of my wisdom.”

Maybe I really need his wisdom. “Come to my wedding next month.”

Nabura ang ngiti ng lalaki. “Huh?”

“I’m going to marry myself on my birthday.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “What?”

“It’s my birthday theme. On my thirtieth, I want to totally bid farewell to romantic love, and start loving myself. That kind of love is great, and it promises to last forever. And it won’t ever need help from a lawyer like you in the future.”

He laughed softly. “You’re insane.”

I giggled. We stared at each other as we laughed together.

God, I like this guy. Can I get a kiss from him before I totally give up on my desire for love and romance?